Fiction by Dr Shabir Ahmad Mir
The perusal of centuries of our history will reveal that there are two things that have remained faithfully persistent with us during winters.
One is gossip and the other is Chillai Kalan.
I don’t know about gossip but this year Chillai Kalan has forsaken us for sure. Our noons no longer shiver with its dread and cold instead the sun like a snob is glowing at our misery and helplessness. Kangris are becoming too hot to handle and Pherans are thirsty for a drink of snow. Our own eyes are longing for icicles that used to hang upon us from our roofs. The frost-bite (shuh) which was Chillai Kalan’s whip for disobedient hands and feet that dared to venture out naked, is no longer lurking out there and so the rebellious hands and feet dare to bare with full impudence and taunt Chillai Kalan “sic semper tyrannis” (thus to the tyrants).
The most prevalent theory currently whirlpooling in our academic and scientific circles is that Chillai Kalan this year has opted for Darbar Move. This explains the mutual exchange of weather between the capital cities of Kashmir and Jammu. The Darbar Move of Chillai Kalan has been begrudgingly accepted by people of both the regions as a fact but its cause and impact has led to a huge controversy.
Kashmir based weather expert Professor Sodha says, “The Darbar Move of Chillai Kalan has been clearly established by our field studies. We have data that points out that this Darbar Move may be a permanent feature in future. But there is more to it. This development is a collective tragedy of our generation. Chillai Kalan was our cultural inheritance and as with everything else it has been shifted to Jammu with active connivance of authorities. It is in line with the greater nefarious agenda of discrimination that is being constantly meted out to Kashmiris. In a single stroke our Kangris, Pherans and Hamams (and unofficial holidays as well) have been made redundant. It is a travesty of justice. Who is responsible for their premature-abortions?”
On the other hand, Jammu based weather expert Professor Bodha has rebutted claims of discrimination and deprivation. As per him the Darbar Move of Chillai Kalan is an elaborate ploy whose ultimate aim is to strip Jammu of its capital status.
“The rationale of two capitals for Jammu Kashmir is that winter is too harsh in Srinagar and so Jammu remains capital for six wintry months. Now with the infiltration of this foreign Chillai Kalan into Jammu our sunny weather is threatened and soon Srinagar will be warmer than Jammu, and then there will be no more shifting of capitals. I clearly see a foreign hand in this. Centre needs to take cognisance of this development as it is a matter of national security. Is this how the people of Jammu are being paid for their patriotism and sacrifice? The appeasement of Kashmir has to stop. I am afraid if action is not taken soon we will have no option but to block the national highway, “Doodh mangogay to kheer dengay. Rajdhani mangogay to cheer dengay.”
Meanwhile, the veritable Chillai Kalan when contacted and asked about his Darbar Move replied, “Look, my only joy during my reign of forty days is to see each and every Kashmiri shiver and tremble. It gives me immense pleasure to see all of you cocooned in Pherans and trembling at my touch. I like to molest your nose tips. And heavens how exciting it is to steal light from your bulbs and take you back to the dark ages. But now, even before my advent most of Kashmiris are already gone from Kashmir to Jammu. For God’s sake tell me what I am supposed to do in Kashmir then. Freeze the eggs of crows! Or hang icicles from the nostrils of a cow. What am I to do among empty houses? So I have made this decision if you people are off to Jammu so am I.”
The author can be mailed at fahad18dupe@gmail.com
