The 21-Course Curse: Kashmir’s Lavish Weddings & The Shocking Rise Of Instant Divorce – Can Tradition Be Saved?

The majestic valleys of Kashmir, often called “Paradise on Earth,” are echoing with a dissonant sound: the clatter of extravagant wedding festivities swiftly followed by the hushed, painful whispers of divorce papers filed within weeks, sometimes days. Beneath the surface of vibrant phirans, glittering jewelry, and the intoxicating aroma of wazwan, a profound social crisis is fracturing the very fabric of Kashmiri society. This isn’t merely about changing relationship dynamics; it’s a complex, painful collision of deep-rooted tradition, crushing financial pressure, unmet modern expectations, and a stark departure from core ethical and religious principles. The consequence? Families burdened by debt, hearts shattered by broken vows, and a generation questioning the meaning of union itself.

The Gilded Cage – When Lavish Weddings Become Crushing Burdens

The Kashmiri wedding, historically a vibrant tapestry woven with cultural pride, familial bonds, and community celebration, has undergone a metamorphosis. What was once a meaningful rite of passage has morphed into a high-stakes, financially ruinous spectacle of status and competition.

• The Wazwan’s Weighty Evolution: The iconic Wazwan feast, a centuries-old culinary tradition featuring dozens of meticulously prepared meat dishes, is the undisputed centerpiece. Originally a symbol of hospitality, generosity, and cultural identity, it has tragically become the primary battleground for social one-upmanship. The standard has inflated dramatically. Where 7-11 dishes were once customary, pressure now dictates 15, 17, or even the staggering benchmark of 21 dishes. This isn’t driven by appetite, but by an overwhelming fear of social judgment. “What will people say if we only serve 15?” is a constant, anxiety-inducing refrain heard in households planning marriages. The cost isn’t just culinary; it’s the sheer volume, requiring multiple Waz (master chefs) and extensive logistics, exponentially increasing the price tag.

• The Astronomical Cost of “Keeping Up”: The financial hemorrhage extends far beyond the Wazwan. Consider the modern Kashmiri wedding checklist:

  • Venue: Moving from modest community halls or homes to expensive banquet facilities or luxury hotels.

  • Decor: Extravagant floral arrangements, themed lighting, and elaborate stage setups rivaling professional events.

  • Attire: Multiple designer outfits for the bride, groom, and immediate family, often involving heavy gold jewelry.

  • Photography/Videography: High-end, cinematic-style packages covering multiple pre-wedding events and the main ceremony.

  • Gifts: Obligatory, often expensive, gifts for guests (the Varid).

  • Miscellaneous: Hair, makeup, transportation, accommodation for guests, music, etc.
    The result? Total costs now routinely range from ₹5 lakhs to a soul-crushing ₹30 lakhs or more. For Kashmir’s predominantly middle-class families, this represents years, sometimes decades, of savings, or more dangerously, massive loans that plunge them into long-term debt. Fathers speak privately of sleepless nights, mortgaging properties, or liquidating life insurance policies – sacrifices made solely for a single day’s display.

• The Hidden Casualty: Delayed & Denied Unions: This financial arms race has a devastating, often unspoken consequence: delayed marriages, particularly for daughters. Thousands of young Kashmiri women are finding themselves crossing the perceived societal threshold of “marriageable age” (often unfairly set in the early to mid-20s) simply because their families cannot amass the required funds for a wedding deemed “socially acceptable.” This delay creates profound anxiety for the women and their parents, fuels societal gossip, and ironically, can contribute to the very pressures that destabilize later marriages (see Part 2). Dreams of companionship and family are put on indefinite hold, not by choice, but by the unsustainable economics of spectacle.

• The Social Media Amplifier: Platforms like Instagram and Facebook act as relentless accelerants. Carefully curated images and reels showcasing the most extravagant weddings set unrealistic benchmarks. The pressure isn’t just to have a “good” wedding; it’s to have one that looks as opulent as the ones flooding social feeds, creating a vicious cycle of comparison and expenditure. The “showoff” isn’t merely for the immediate community anymore; it’s for an invisible, global audience.

The takeaway: The Kashmiri wedding, intended as a joyful commencement, has become a primary source of familial financial stress and social exclusion. The pursuit of status through extravagance is actively hindering the formation of families it’s meant to celebrate.

Fractured Vows – The Epidemic of Instant Divorce & Its Scars

The tragedy deepens when the glitter fades, often with shocking speed. Kashmir is witnessing an alarming surge in divorce rates, with a particularly distressing trend: marriages dissolving within weeks, days, or even hours. This isn’t merely statistical; it’s a wave of human suffering crashing through communities.

• The Shocking Timeline: Court records and anecdotal evidence from lawyers and community leaders reveal a disturbing pattern. Cases where couples separate within the first month, or even before the traditional post-wedding visits (Pheran Phiri) are completed, are no longer rare. Reasons cited often seem jarringly trivial against the backdrop of the massive investment just made: disputes over minor household chores, disagreements with in-laws, perceived slights, or unmet, often fantastical, expectations of married life fostered by romanticized fiction and social media.

• Beyond Triviality: The Root Causes: While some splits stem from seemingly minor triggers, they often expose deeper, more systemic issues:

  • Profound Incompatibility: Arranged marriages, still prevalent, sometimes occur with minimal interaction or understanding between the couple. Differences in core values, life goals, communication styles, or even basic personality clashes surface violently in the intense proximity of marriage. The lack of a genuine courtship or friendship foundation proves fatal under pressure.

  • The Modernity-Tradition Clash (Hypocrisy Exposed): A critical, painful contradiction lies at the heart of many breakdowns. Men are increasingly embracing modern lifestyles – education, careers, technology, social freedoms. However, a significant number still demand deeply traditional, often restrictive, roles from their wives: confinement to the domestic sphere, limited social interaction, unquestioning obedience, and prioritizing extended family demands over the couple’s own needs. This dissonance creates immediate and unsustainable resentment and feelings of entrapment for the wife. The promised partnership crumbles into patriarchal control.

  • Unrealistic Expectations & “Happily Ever After” Myths: Popular culture sells marriage as a constant state of romance and effortless compatibility. When faced with the inevitable realities of shared responsibilities, financial pressures (often exacerbated by the wedding debt!), compromises, and disagreements, disillusionment sets in rapidly. The commitment to work through difficulties is absent; the easier path of abandonment is taken.

  • Medical & Fertility Pressures: Issues like infertility or Polycystic Ovarian Disease (PCOD) can become devastating points of contention, particularly in a society that places immense value on progeny, especially male heirs. Women facing these challenges often endure not just the medical struggle, but intense stigma, blame, and rejection from their husbands and in-laws, leading to rapid marital collapse. Late marriages, sometimes resulting from the financial delays discussed earlier, can also add biological pressure to conceive quickly, further straining the relationship.

  • Abuse & Intolerable Situations: Physical, emotional, verbal, and financial abuse remain significant, though often underreported, factors. Women trapped in dangerous or degrading situations are increasingly finding the courage, sometimes with NGO support, to seek immediate divorce as a last resort. Economic control, humiliation, and threats create untenable environments from the outset.

• The Devastating Fallout – A Mental Health Catastrophe: The human cost of these rapid divorces, particularly for women, is immense and long-lasting:

  • Psychological Trauma: Rejection and marriage failure trigger profound depression, crippling anxiety, panic attacks, and a devastating loss of self-worth. The abrupt end to a relationship entered with such hope creates deep emotional whiplash.

  • Societal Stigma & Blame: Despite rising divorce rates, a heavy stigma persists. Women disproportionately bear the brunt of societal blame. They are labeled “difficult,” “failed,” or even accused of moral shortcomings. This isolation compounds the trauma, silencing them and discouraging others from seeking help or escape from abusive situations.

  • Economic Vulnerability: Many divorced women, especially those without independent careers or those who left jobs post-marriage, face severe financial hardship and dependence on natal families, who may themselves be struggling.

  • Shattered Families & Community Distrust: Beyond the couple, parents, siblings, and extended families experience grief, shame, and financial ruin (from the wedding costs). Rapid divorces erode trust within communities, making future matchmaking harder and breeding cynicism about the institution of marriage itself.

The takeaway: The “instant divorce” phenomenon is a symptom of profound dysfunction – a combination of poor preparation, unrealistic expectations, deep-seated gender inequality, societal pressures, and a lack of conflict resolution skills, all magnified by the crushing weight of the wedding spectacle that preceded it.

Cultural Contradictions – The Fault Lines Beneath the Festivities

The marriage crisis exposes deep, often unacknowledged, contradictions within evolving Kashmiri society:

1. Collectivism vs. Individualism: Traditional Kashmiri society emphasizes family and community cohesion. However, the modern world promotes individual desires and aspirations. Marriages arranged solely for familial or social convenience, without regard for individual compatibility, clash violently with the modern expectation of personal fulfillment within marriage. The wedding itself becomes a collective performance, while the marriage often fails to meet individual needs.

2. Outward Piety vs. Core Values: While Kashmiri society often presents a facade of religious adherence, the rampant extravagance of weddings stands in direct contradiction to clear Islamic injunctions against wastefulness and ostentation (discussed in Part 4). Similarly, the treatment of women in many marriages – denying rights Islam grants them – highlights a disconnect between professed faith and practiced behavior.

3. Economic Reality vs. Social Aspiration: The vast majority of families cannot sustainably afford ₹20-30 lakh weddings without severe sacrifice or debt. Yet, the social pressure to conform to the aspirational standards set by the elite (or the illusion presented on social media) overrides economic rationality. This creates a dangerous cycle of debt and despair.

4. Romanticization vs. Reality: Marriage is intensely romanticized in popular culture and social narratives. However, there is a collective failure to prepare young people for the practical realities, compromises, communication demands, and hard work required for a successful long-term partnership. The fall from the idealized fantasy to daily reality is often too steep to navigate.

5. Modern Men, Traditional Wives: As highlighted earlier, this is perhaps the most explosive contradiction. Men benefiting from modern education and opportunities often resist granting their wives similar autonomy, creating inherently unstable and unjust power dynamics within the marriage. This hypocrisy is a major catalyst for resentment and breakdown.

The takeaway: The crisis stems from a society trying to hold onto traditional forms while its members absorb modern values, without successfully integrating the two or addressing the inherent conflicts. The wedding extravaganza and the divorce spike are symptoms of this deeper cultural dissonance.

The Blueprint from Tradition – What Islam Truly Says About Marriage & Divorce

Amidst the chaos, Islamic teachings offer a profound, balanced, and practical framework for marriage – a framework glaringly absent in the current crisis. Understanding these principles isn’t just about faith; it’s about rediscovering sustainable social harmony.

• On Marriage: Simplicity, Sanctity, and Sincerity:

  • The Primacy of Ease & Modesty: The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) laid down a clear directive: “The best marriage is the one with the least burden.” (Bayhaqi). Another narration states, “The marriage which is most greatly blessed is the one which is lightest in burden (expense).” (Sahih Ibn Hibban). This directly condemns the crushing extravagance prevalent today. A simple wedding is not a sign of poverty, but of wisdom and adherence to the Sunnah, believed to attract greater blessings (barakah).

  • Condemnation of Extravagance & Waste (Israf): The Quran is unequivocal: “Eat and drink, but be not excessive. Indeed, He likes not those who commit excess.” (Surah Al-A’raf 7:31). Lavish spending on weddings, especially when it leads to debt or excludes the less fortunate, falls squarely into this category of condemned excess (israf).

  • Inclusivity, Not Exclusion: A core Islamic value is caring for the community. Extravagant weddings that flaunt wealth in the faces of those struggling financially contradict the spirit of charity (zakat) and compassion. The Prophet (PBUH) emphasized inviting the poor to weddings. How many of today’s ₹30 lakh feasts include the needy?

  • Marriage as a Sacred Covenant (Mithaqun Ghalith): The Quran describes marriage as a “solemn covenant” (Surah An-Nisa 4:21). It’s not a fleeting party or a status symbol, but a profound commitment before God based on mutual love, mercy (mawaddah wa rahmah), tranquility (sakinah), and justice (‘adl). The focus is entirely on the substance of the relationship, not the superficiality of the ceremony.

  • Compatibility & Choice: While arranged marriages are permissible, Islam emphasizes the importance of compatibility and mutual consent. The Prophet (PBUH) gave women the right to accept or reject marriage proposals. Forced marriages are unequivocally forbidden. The objective is a harmonious union, not just a social alliance.

• On Divorce: Permissible but Profoundly Disliked – A Last Resort with Rules:

  • The Stance on Divorce: Islam permits divorce but views it as one of the most disliked permissible acts. A powerful Hadith states: “Among lawful things, divorce is the most hated by Allah.” (Sunan Abu Dawood). This underscores that it should never be a casual or impulsive decision, especially not over minor disagreements sparked by pride (kibr) or lust (shahwah).

  • Emphasis on Reconciliation & Patience: Before divorce, Islam mandates strenuous efforts at reconciliation:

    • Direct Communication: Couples are urged to resolve issues themselves calmly and respectfully.

    • Family Mediation (Wisayah): If direct talks fail, involving respected, just family members from both sides to mediate is strongly recommended.

    • Cooling-Off Periods (Iddah): The mandatory waiting period after divorce serves partly as a time for reflection and potential reconciliation.

    • Patience (Sabr) & Forgiveness: Islam encourages enduring hardships with patience and forgiving faults, recognizing that no spouse is perfect.

  • Grounds for Divorce: While disliked, divorce is recognized as necessary and permissible in situations of irreparable harm, including:

    • Persistent, severe abuse (physical, emotional, verbal).

    • Desertion or neglect of marital obligations.

    • Chronic, harmful addiction.

    • Incompatibility causing extreme misery.

    • Impotence or refusal to fulfill conjugal rights without valid reason.

    • Injustice that cannot be remedied.

  • Conducting Divorce with Justice & Dignity: Even when divorce is necessary, Islam demands it be handled ethically:

    • Avoiding Harm: It should not be pronounced in anger or in a way designed to humiliate the spouse.

    • Fair Financial Settlement: The husband is obligated to provide fair financial support (nafaqah) during the waiting period and fulfill any agreed-upon dues (mahr). Women’s financial rights are protected.

    • Respect & Kindness: The Quran instructs: “Either retain them according to acceptable terms or release them according to acceptable terms…” (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:231). Treating each other with respect, even at the end, is paramount.

• Islam’s Prescription for Preventing Crisis:

  • Rejecting Showoff Culture (Riya): Islam strictly warns against doing acts for show or social status. Lavish weddings driven by “what people will say” are a form of riya (showing off), nullifying the sincerity of the act. Focus should be on the commitment, not the competition.

  • Promoting Emotional Maturity & Preparation: While not explicitly labeled “pre-marital counseling,” Islamic teachings heavily emphasize understanding the responsibilities of marriage, communication, financial management, conflict resolution, and mutual rights before entering the covenant. Seeking knowledge about marriage is an act of worship.

  • Upholding Mutual Rights & Justice: The Quranic verse “And they (women) have rights similar to those (of men) over them in kindness…” (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:228) establishes the bedrock of equity. Marriages fail when these rights are ignored, particularly women’s rights to dignity, respect, financial security, and kind treatment.

  • Community Responsibility: Religious leaders (imams), scholars (ulema), and community elders have a duty to actively promote these Islamic values: condemning extravagance, speaking out against domestic abuse, advocating for gender justice within Islamic boundaries, and facilitating reconciliation.

The takeaway: Islamic guidance provides a clear antidote to the current crisis: prioritize simplicity, sincerity, and mutual respect over extravagance and ego; prepare diligently for the responsibilities of marriage; exhaust all avenues of reconciliation before considering divorce; and always uphold justice and kindness. This is the path to stable families and social harmony.

Weaving a New Fabric – Pathways to Healing & Sustainable Change

The crisis is severe, but not insurmountable. Rebuilding requires concerted, multi-faceted effort from individuals, families, religious institutions, and civil society:

1. Demystifying Marriage & Mandating Preparation:

   • Widespread Pre-Marital Counseling: Make comprehensive, accessible pre-marital counseling non-negotiable. This shouldn’t be a single lecture but a structured program covering:

     • Realistic Expectations: Shattering the “happily ever after” myth. Discussing communication skills, conflict resolution strategies, financial management (including debt avoidance!), intimacy, roles, and responsibilities.

     • Islamic Rights & Obligations: Thorough education on what Islam truly says about marital rights, duties, conflict resolution, and divorce – countering cultural misinterpretations.

     • Compatibility Assessment: Facilitating deeper conversations about core values, life goals, family planning, and potential deal-breakers before commitment.

     • Mental Health Awareness: Identifying potential issues and fostering emotional intelligence.

   • Parental Education: Workshops helping parents understand modern marital dynamics, the dangers of extravagance, and the importance of prioritizing their children’s long-term happiness over social perception.

2. Challenging the Extravagance Epidemic – A Cultural Reset:

   • Religious Leadership at the Forefront: Imams and scholars must consistently, forcefully, and publicly preach against wedding extravagance (israf), citing Quran and Sunnah. Sermons (khutbahs), community workshops, and fatwas (religious rulings) explicitly denouncing unsustainable spending are crucial. Praise simple weddings from the pulpit.

   • Community-Led Standards: Respected community leaders, elders, and organizations should actively promote and publicly endorse reasonable, standardized wedding formats (e.g., a maximum number of Wazwan dishes, simpler venues). Create positive social pressure for modesty.

   • “Simple Wedding” Champions: Highlighting stories of couples and families who had beautiful, meaningful, and affordable weddings. Showcase their happiness and financial freedom post-wedding. Make simplicity aspirational.

   • Government/NGO Initiatives: Explore practical support like subsidies for community halls, promoting affordable catering options, or awareness campaigns.

3. Strengthening Support Systems & Justice:

   • Robust Reconciliation Mechanisms: Establish accessible, trained mediation services within communities, involving respected elders and professional counselors familiar with both Sharia principles and modern psychology.

   • Zero Tolerance for Abuse: Religious and community leaders must unequivocally condemn all forms of domestic abuse and actively support victims. Collaborate with NGOs and legal services to ensure protection and justice.

   • Mental Health Support Networks: Expand access to affordable, culturally sensitive, and confidential mental health services specifically for marital distress, divorce trauma, and the stigma faced by women and families. Train community health workers.

   • Legal Aid & Awareness: Ensure women know their Islamic and legal rights regarding marriage, maintenance, and divorce. Support access to fair legal representation.

4. Promoting Gender Justice Within Faith:

   • Religious Education Focus: Integrate clear teachings on women’s rights in Islam (mahr, maintenance, kind treatment, consent, inheritance) into mainstream religious education for both men and women. Counter patriarchal misinterpretations.

   • Empowering Women’s Voices: Support platforms where female scholars and community leaders can articulate the Islamic perspective on women’s rights and marital justice. Encourage women’s participation in community decision-making on these issues.

   • Challenging Harmful Stereotypes: Actively combat societal narratives that blame women for marital breakdowns or stigmatize divorced women. Promote narratives of resilience and support.

5. Reframing the Narrative:

   • From Spectacle to Substance: Launch sustained awareness campaigns (social media, local media, community events) shifting the focus from the wedding day to the lifelong marriage. Use slogans like “Invest in the Marriage, Not Just the Wedding” or “Blessings Over Bling.”

   • Celebrating Enduring Love: Share stories of long-lasting, successful Kashmiri marriages built on mutual respect, simplicity, and weathering challenges – providing positive role models.

   • Intergenerational Dialogue: Facilitate conversations between elders (who may remember simpler times) and youth to bridge understanding and find common ground on sustainable traditions.

The takeaway: Change is possible, but it demands courage. It requires individuals to resist social pressure, families to prioritize well-being over show, religious leaders to speak truth without fear, and communities to collectively redefine success in marriage. It means returning to core values – Islamic and humanitarian – of simplicity, justice, compassion, and commitment.

Epilogue: Beyond the Broken Plates – Reclaiming Kashmir’s Heart

The discarded leftovers of a 21-course Wazwan and the pristine, untouched gifts from a marriage that lasted mere days are potent symbols of Kashmir’s profound social dissonance. We stand at a crossroads. The path of relentless extravagance and crumbling unions leads only to deeper debt, widespread trauma, and the erosion of the very social bonds that define Kashmiri identity.

The alternative path, illuminated by wisdom both ancient and urgently relevant, calls us back. It calls us back to the essence of marriage as envisioned in our faith and our truest cultural values: a sacred covenant of love, mercy, tranquility, and justice. It demands replacing crushing financial burdens with manageable celebrations of sincere commitment. It requires replacing hasty divorces fueled by pride and miscommunication with patient efforts at understanding and reconciliation. It insists on replacing hypocrisy with consistency, where the modernity embraced by men extends as respect and partnership to their wives.

This is not about abandoning tradition; it’s about rescuing it from distortion. It’s about reclaiming the Wazwan as a symbol of shared community joy, not crippling competition. It’s about ensuring that the intricate embroidery on a Pheran reflects the beauty of a lasting bond, not the fragility of a union doomed by its own unsustainable genesis.

The future of Kashmir’s families, the well-being of its youth, and the strength of its social fabric hang in the balance. The call to action is clear:

• To Families: Dare to be different. Prioritize your children’s future happiness and financial security over the fleeting applause of a lavish wedding. Embrace simplicity as a virtue and a blessing.

• To Couples: Invest in understanding, communication, and patience before and during marriage. Seek help early. Uphold each other’s rights with kindness. Remember the covenant you made.

• To Religious Leaders: Find your prophetic voice. Condemn extravagance unequivocally. Champion gender justice as an Islamic imperative. Provide robust pre-marital guidance and accessible reconciliation mechanisms. Your leadership is indispensable.

• To Community Elders & Organizations: Set new standards. Promote moderation. Support victims of abuse and divorce stigma. Foster dialogue and champion positive change.

• To Society as a Whole: Shift the narrative. Celebrate enduring love and responsible unions. Extend compassion, not condemnation, to those navigating marital difficulties. Hold each other accountable for upholding justice and kindness.

The choice is stark: continue the descent into a crisis of broken homes and broken spirits, or collectively forge a new way – a way anchored in the timeless principles of faith, simplicity, mutual respect, and unwavering commitment. Let us choose the path that rebuilds, heals, and allows love, truly, to endure in the Vale of Kashmir. The time for change is not tomorrow; it is today, one conscious decision, one simplified ceremony, one act of understanding at a time. Paradise can be regained, not just in the landscape, but in the homes and hearts of its people.